PoKaDoT BaLLeRiNa

as the days pass slowly and the weeks creep by
i find myself obssesing of way that i could die
id lay awake at night thinking of my pain
theres no way it could get better
i have nothing left to gain
suddenly thoughts of death are controlling my every move
and every battle with my mind
i always seem to lose
i no longer wish to be around the people that i love
all i can think about is whats waiting up above
i cut my arms with razor blades to dull the pain inside
but that only lasts so long
i dont want to be alive
i manage to keep my composure when people are near
they wont ever understand me
so i never shed a tear
i smile when i have to
i brake down when i dont
i know i should be strong
but i also know i wont
so i make a plan to end my pain and it shouldnt take too long
i even wrote out notes for my friends to read when i am gone
i plan it out so perfectly i even set the date
im pretty sure im ready
i know this is my fate
i ask my dad to understand that life is just too hard
my mind cant fight it anymore
my heart is far too scarred
my eyes are getting heavy
as my body starts to go numb
i start to feel a little scared
but i know im almost done
i hope i go to heaven
where dark night turns into day
i start to feel a lil scared
as i slowly slip away
i know its really selfish
but it has to end this way
im glad my dads not here right now
to watch me slowly die
but i still wish i could say
i love you and goodbye
i wake up in confusion
i dont know where i am
my friends and family are here comforting one another
i can barely make out words
until i hear my father
each tear he cries is like a knife stabbing at my soul
somehow i let my pain and suffering blind me from my goal
at a point i was determined to make it through this test
to live a life of happiness
and to do my very best
i apologized to everyone for causing them so much strife
and i promised to work harder in leading a better life
i know it wont be easy theres a long road up ahead
but im gonna make the memories last
im living my life over
and im learning from my past...

I wonder as i wander out under the sky
why do people i care about
always have to die?
are you happy where you are?
wherever that may be
i wonder as i wander
do you still think of me?
is it nice up there in heaven?
for i know you made it there
are the clouds made out of marshmallows?
do you know that i still care?
i look up at the winter sky
and shed a single tear
i think of all the days gone by
ill always hold you dear
i wonder as i wander
out under the sky
why do people i care about
always have to die?

WOOOOOOOOO MY 18TH BIRTHDAY AND NO UGLY DARK BITCHES CAN MESS THIS UP FOR ME IM HANGING OUT WITH THE COOLEST PEOPLE
MY ONE AND ONLY SID SKUM
SOME OF HIS HOMIES
ASHLEY
JOHN
ANDI
ALEX
JOANNA
ASHLEY SALAZAR
JESSICA
DREA
DAVID
CHRISTINA
PROBABLY DONNY CAUSE ITS HIS BIRTHDAY TOO!
AND SOME OF THE RIALTO PEEPS
AMBBER HOPEFULLY
WHIT HOPEFULLY
ALISSA HOPEFULLY
HEIDI
ANGEL
LOUIS
VERO
LIL VERO
JENICE
RAYMOND HOPEFULLY
ERNESTINE AND KEVIN I HOPE!
ELENA
AND MANY MANY MORE

Bitches are soooo fuckin stupid these days but im not even gonna say anything because shell see whats up stupid ugly dark bitch haha anywho i had fun this sunday with ruth lupe the other ruth margaret natalie and HECTOR!!!!!aww anywho peace the fuck out!

well today was FUN for the first time in a long time
i hung out with ash and elena
we saw the 40 year old virgin
went to the hookah
it was cool
i really miss freddy ALOT
what have i done?
im sooo stupid and ill never get him back
that sux
well thats my life for ya!

well im here at ashleys house
im sick
im sober
i hate myself
im single
i hurt alot of people real bad
i feel like shit and dont know what to do
i miss david alreadyn he went back to 29 palms
i feel like my road is coming to an end
and theres no one else to blame but myself
i miss elena ALOT
i hate when people are mad at me but i fucked up and theres not much i can do...

well lets see today sucked ass. i feel sooo fuckin low like im at rock bottom and nothing seems to make me happy anymore besides freddy and i still act stupid with him y because i am stupid. im here at my moms house right now the usual drug status shit is goin on and ive never thought about ending my life as bad as right now for no reason at all. Sometimes reality just hits me outta no where...i guess thats what bi-polar does to you and its sucks.
i miss
sid
lil john
skruffy
ashley
heidi
christina
ruth
natalie
cesar
audra
angie
whitney
k la
alissa
ambber
paco
pat-c
jairo
donny
mario
erwin
............the list goes on
these people mean the world to me and i miss them sooo much fuck man how i long for the good ol' days but then reality hits and you realize nothing lasts forever...
what have i become?
how did my life turn this bad/
when did it all start?

with elena:4:30 in the morning.
hah so today was long.
i got in a car crash.
and i miss freddy.
hah.
im not even tired.
awwwww....
thats it im done.